Curious as to why Donald Trump made a second statement that specifically condemned white supremacist groups after initially avoiding that term on Saturday? The Robots, whose omniscient gaze is inexorable and merciless, reveal that he was visited by some unwanted guests. Read on…
TRUMP (putting and singing):
When we’re all white, when we’re all white
No more dark skin, just the light
I’ll be so happy, I’ll dance in plain sight
We’ll praise the Lord when we’re all white!
CLINTON: The hell is wrong with you, boy?
TRUMP: Shit! You again! Code Red!
CARTER: We’re here because you didn’t denounce those white supremacists in Virginia by name on Saturday. That wasn’t very Christian of you.
TRUMAN’S GHOST: Or American.
CLINTON: But it was real WHITE of him.
TRUMP: I fuckin hate you guys. CODE RED! CODE RED!
TRUMAN’S GHOST: Calm down now, son, you know that don’t work.
TRUMP: What do you guys want now?
SPIRIT OF FDR: Mr. President, we are here to entreat you, presidents to president, to appeal to your honor, to petition your humanity, to act vigorously and responsibly to condemn the scurrilous racism and bigotry that erupted so cruelly in Charlottesville, Virginia.
TRUMP: Says the guy who locked up thousands and thousands of Japanese…
SPIRIT OF FDR: ENOUGH, SIR! I am still haunted by my decision!
TRUMP: Eat me, Polio Pete!
TRUMAN’S GHOST: I’m gonna hog-tie this little peckerwood and teach him some manners with a switch!
TRUMP: Besides, I’m a crass, soulless narcissist who favors right-wing interests to service my personal agenda. What makes you think I have any honor or humanity?
TRUMAN’S GHOST: THAT’S IT! LET ME THROUGH, BOYS, I’M GONNA KILL HIM!
ST. RONALD: Gentleman, gentlemen, please, this is getting us nowhere.
TRUMP: Ronnie? Is that really you? You’re with these dipshits?
ST. RONALD: Well, you know me, I’m just an old cowboy at heart. I’m on the side of what is right, what represents true American values. This nonsense in Virginia, these whites-only protesters, they really chap my saddle sores. They’re as unamerican as they come. I don’t like bullies and thugs.
TRUMP: These people are wonderful. They are great, wonderful, hard-working Americans. They love their country. They love their flag. They love their American God. They have so much love for their country –
CLINTON: As long as it’s a WHITE country.
TRUMP: They’re proud Americans who are proud of the lives of their proud forefathers –
CARTER: Who were slave owners, Klansman, and white nationalists.
TRUMP: They are people who stand up for what they believe in –
CARTER: By standing on the necks of blacks and Latinos.
CLINTON: AND they’re Donnie’s core voter base. Don’t forget that.
TRUMP (swinging putter wildly): I’ve had enough of you guys! Get out! *Wheeze* I’m President! I won the election! *Wheeze* I can do what I want! *Gasp!* Jesus, I gotta sit down.
ST. RONALD: Listen, shitbird–mother, excuse my French—but you’re full of horse doo-doo. Those people aren’t real Americans. Real Americans don’t spread hate and violence, especially in the in the name of God and country!
TRUMP: There was hate and violence on both sides! Only I had the guts to say it!
SPIRIT OF FDR: Well, lads, this farce has gone on long enough, I fear. There’ll be no persuading this odious creature. Harry? Please bring in The Talent.
TRUMAN’S GHOST: Lickety-split, Frank. Y’all should stand back. (Stomps foot on floor.) C’mon up, son, it’s showtime!
(Floor smokes and erupts with flame. Hulking figure crawls up into room.)
DEMON TAFT: I…HUNGER!
CLINTON: Sin of Gluttony, James.
CARTER: I’ll be a nearsighted tom at a turkey shoot.
TRUMP (falls to floor, cries, soils himself): eeee…vanka…
DEMON TAFT: MMMM…LIKE…FATTIES…
TRUMAN’S GHOST: Steady, Taffy, steady.
SPIRIT OF FDR: We did try to reason with you, sir, but you insisted on disregarding our sincerest entreaties to help you realize the error of your ways. So, this is our new deal (chuckles) to you: Recant your earlier words, Mr. President, speak out strongly against bigotry and hate, formally denounce the violence of white supremacists—
TRUMP (voice squeaking): Or?
SPIRIT OF FDR: Or, I’m sorry to say, we shall leave you to the tender mercies of our associate, the late—and, of late, daemonic—Twenty-Seventh President of these United States, William Howard Taft.
DEMON TAFT (licking lips): LIVER! LIVER! SPLEEN!
TRUMP (crawling backwards, kicking frantically): EEEEE! No! No! Get back! I’m a one-percenter! I’m a celebrity! I’m a Presbyterian, for God’s sake! You’re fired! Dada! Rosie! Help meeeee! Waaauuggghhhh!
ST. RONALD: Show some dignity, man!
DEMON TAFT (pokes Trump in belly, grins at rising intestinal sloshing): JUICY, HEY? LIKE…FAT…LITTLE…PIGGY. HUH! HUH! YUM!
TRUMP: Aaaahhhh! What…what do I say?
CARTER: Billy and I took the liberty. (Offers Trump hand-written speech.)
TRUMP (meekly): OK. OK. I’ll do it. Please just go now. Just go…
DEMON TAFT (roars): NO FATTY?
TRUMAN’S GHOST: Now, now, Taffy, don’t getcher britches all up in a knot. Tell you what. Let’s go look up that Bannon feller!
TRUMP: I gotta get to the bathroom. (Leaves room.)
CLINTON: Worked out pretty good even though ole Dick's been gone all month fishin with Gerry, huh, James?
CARTER: Like a opossum in a stewpot, William.
SPIRIT OF FDR: Well, lads, our work here is done. What’s next for you two?
CLINTON: We’re gonna practice lookin hopeful—
CARTER: —and sounding profound—
CLINTON: —when The Post and all the rest come to us lookin for pull quotes and sound bites.
SPIRIT OF FDR: By Jove! You lads are such rapscallions! Eleanor will be tickled pink!
(All leave room. After a few minutes, Trump returns in fresh clothes.)
TRUMP: Think you’ve won? Just you pricks wait. You ain’t seen nothing yet…
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